I'm not this person

You know I don't live on the edge. 

I watch romantic comedies and I laugh out loud. I don't want to be scared to feel alive but I want to experience life as I am and who I am. 

I don't feel like I fit into most places and yet I feel at peace in places that are new, as if my nervous system wants to escape where I am. The relationships I have had in the past, exciting to get into at first but then a desire to run, not quit in love. I don't mean that I never loved but to the other parent of my daughter it was never a feeling of home. A performance and yet the one person I did meet once upon a time, felt real. A peculiar feeling that pulled me of centre. 

How strange to meet away from home and yet have so much in common. 

So daughter. When you do finally read this, when you realise one day who created this, I will have been to so many places that took me years to even leave home. I was making excuses for what was really fear, that I would not be capable if I spent the money on myself. Perhaps that is what was holding me back all this time. Uncertainty in my own capabilities and that God will always provide. 

Daughter. Trust in the uncertainty and stop filling that empty space with fear. The thing about empty space is that you get to choose what you fill it with. And trust in your capabilities, that you are so much more capable then you even realise.